I Am Sorry You’re Not Pregnant


About two years ago, I ordered a hot chocolate instead of my normal latte from my work cafe and the barista picked up on the fact that I might be pregnant. I was 10 weeks into my journey at the time, and because the first trimester was almost over, I decided to let her in on my secret. Her response was, “Wow it is good that you are having a baby whilst you are still young”. I didn’t know it at the time, but she had struggled to fall pregnant after years of failed IVF treatments.

I continued to order my hot chocolate from this woman everyday leading up to my birth. She would ask me daily how I was feeling and asked to touch my belly almost weekly. After I gave birth, I didn’t see her again, until 2 weeks ago. I sat with my daughter and my hubby in the cafe eating afternoon tea after my shift.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to speak to her but we waved at each other from a distance.

Today I ordered my normal latte from her and she didn’t acknowledge me or say hi. She seemed distant and it was as if we didn’t know each other. I thought it was odd at the time, but a friend informed me of her infertility and it was probably too painful for her to talk to me. My heart sunk. Looking back, I reminded her daily of what she couldn’t have. I reminded her of all the painful medicare bills from failed IVF treatments. I reminded her that she couldn’t fall pregnant.

I understood her behaviour straight away, but was aching deep down inside, how was I able to have a baby but she couldn’t? Why does the world work like this? Why was I picked? I wished I could give her a hug and tell her not to give up hope, which her response would probably be, how would you know the pain that I’m going through? You are definitely correct, I don’t know. I walked away feeling my heart ache for women who can’t have kids. I can’t relate to the pain that they go through to see other woman pregnant or laughing with their baby.

No I don’t completely understand what it feels like to have negative pregnancy tests over and over again.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a miscarriage.

I don’t know the financial pressure IVF causes.

I don’t know the endless pain from needles and IVF procedures.

But, I am a good friend and I can listen. I can offer hugs and offer my support. Please don’t write me off, I know it’s hard, but I am here for you! It’s okay if it hurts to talk to me right now, but please know that I understand. I understand why you hate me and I don’t blame you. When you are ready, I will be here to talk to you.

6 thoughts on “I Am Sorry You’re Not Pregnant

  1. At least you’re honest about it. You don’t know, and you can’t really fathom the depth of hurt and pain other women with fertility problems are going through. I had six miscarriages, a cervical tumor and a premature stillbirth before I had my first son, and I’d rather have had someone say ‘I’m not going to pretend I know how you’re feeling, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this.’ than the ‘Oh, you poor little thing. Give it time, it’ll happen.’ pity comments that I heard all the time. I didn’t want pity, I didn’t want sad looks, I didn’t need to feel that I wasn’t woman enough to have a child. I just wanted to be treated and spoken to as a normal person.

    1. Well said! I use to work in an IVF Clinic, and spoke to women daily about this topic, but never have I said “it’ll happen”. I just say I’m sorry, I don’t understand but I can offer you tissues and a hug. It’s so hard to relate to this if you haven’t been through it yourself. I can imagine how annoying it’d be if people who don’t know anything about it and start offering advice! All I can say is, why is the world so cruel? How come I got so lucky and some aren’t as lucky? It makes me question life in general. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, just being there and comforting says more than words! 😊 Thanks for dropping by xx

  2. Everyone faces different issues, she must be hurting…maybe you just need to let her be and wait till the time she can start talking to you again 🙂

    1. Hi there! Thanks for dropping by, she is definately hurting and I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through. But definately will be giving her some space until she’s ready to talk to me again! Xx

  3. Sometimes it’s easier to shut down and I think that’s what that woman did. It’s like when I’m hurting and don’t want to talk to anyone as opening up can be difficult.. especially with such a raw emotional topic. Your post speaks of your compassion and lovely spirit, Carol xx

    1. Oh thank you for the kind words! She is definately hurting and I hate that I can’t say anything but just walk away and give it time. I know she’ll eventually talk to me again but it hurts to see how unfair life can be! Xx

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