As a mother, the most peaceful time is often when the kids are sleeping. It’s when their bodies grow and their minds dream. As I gaze at her, watching her smiling in her sleep or reaching out at nothing, my mind also wanders. I think back to her newborn days where every day was a struggle. Everything was dedicated to her thriving, whilst I seemingly survived on adrenaline (and Ubereats!). I wasn’t sure if we would make it through. Those days seem like a while ago, but somehow the doubts I struggled with still creep into my thoughts.
What am I doing? Am I providing her with enough opportunities? What kind of role model am I? Will she be a good person?
In Madeleine’s life so far, I have plenty of regrets already. I should’ve done this and I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve had many days where I wish I could press delete or wish I had done things differently. My biggest concern now that I’m returning back to work, is if work life affects my relationship with her. What if I’m not a good enough mother because I don’t spend enough time with her?
‘I’m not enough’ are words that can detract from the joys of motherhood and undermine my confidence. No more! I am enough and I am worthy. I will try everyday to be the best mum I can be. Naturally I’ll still have doubts, but when she grows up, I’ll be able to say that although I wasn’t perfect I was the best I could be.
Motherhood is tough and definitely makes me second guess myself. However, I believe that in order for me to be the best mum I can be, I need to realize that I am enough and love myself first. Only then can I truly care for and love her completely.